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Friday, January 20, 2006 ' 9:54 PM Y

& your soul is all i ever wanted

Cacophony of posts...

just to give you an idea of the various moods I've been going through the hours since my last post. Typed in no apparent order. Cacophony...

Frustrations of the numbers and equations
I don't get it. Maths. the endless torments it impales on me. tutorials i STRUGGLE to decipher.... lost in the neurons in a matter of days later....tests befuddle and confound me. dissatisfaction of the knowledge that i CAN and SHOULD do better. coupled with careless mistakes and you get kchan thinking she should quit RO and MSN and Blogging and Live, Breathe, Eat and Sleep Maths.

Loneliness once again....in the midst of people...
I'm alone again. A loner. I have many friends here, and great people they are too. But I still wander school corridors alone, alone in my thoughts and day dreams. and my worries and my joys and my sorrows. somehow I fit, yet feel outcasted....as if I self imply this isolation...

Rhapsody of music.
Music is joy. On Thursday Jie Sin and I met 2 piano enthusiasts and revelled in the glorious sounds and chords of the pianist. Claudine is a nice song. I'm so addicted. And REALISATION OF THE WEEK: Delta Goodrem is GOOD. better than good. Words fail me, I'm just as addicted. "Not me, not I" has a gorgeous GORGEOUS piano intro. I'm so in love...thanks to reccommendations from Aussie ppl i know ^^

Daydreams of the future
fantasy envelops my mental space whe n I allow it to. fantasies of the future. Various senarios. Desires. I'm full of desires (taken as a quote from Eldripheus).... what i want that is yet to be fulfilled...further descriptions would shock you....enough said...

Engrossed in articles which are criticism-natured
Financial times is such a good read. Criticise!! Satisfy the criticism monster in me..... lol ... although as Tan Jo appropriately points out, its more fun when I'm criticising....

Lack of sleep
Dammit...sleeping at 2am is becoming a regularity. And becoming hyper when i see certain people online.... and when I talk to certain people ...it makes me happy... thank heaven for these people in my life...

Wondering if it will ever work out...
On reflection recently, I realised ... relationships don't work out for me. I don't even get INTO them. And I hit too easily on guys. why?! In fact, I'm hitting on someone now.... and I don't like to think that again, it can't work out. can't, won't. maybe I hold self allusions and we're just good friends with lots in common. perhaps relationships are not for me.

Thinking on my super-unachievable BF criteria when i was 12
For personal memory, the list of musts I wanted in my future bf when I was 12.
tall (> 6 feet), music playing, athletic, intelligent, at least 2 years older than me, chinese, good looking.
So not achievable come to think of it. I laugh at the naiveness I once had as a child. But, now, I no longer possess such innocence. I'm a different girl now. Or as a friend put it, I'm a woman now. (though by the way I act, i don't think i qualify for that status yet)

For interest's sake, my NEW (And current) criteria list as an illustration to how much I've changed.
Someone who makes me happy. makes me laugh. taller than me by at LEAST 3/4 of a head please. Intelligent. buddhist. chinese. someone who shares my interests, and understands who or what I am. (1st and last criteria labelled V IMPT). Oddly enough I tend to hit more on guys who enjoy teasing me. I wonder why...

Imbalance of hormones and emotions. day by day I go through cycles of euphoria, rapture, joy, happiness, contentment, slide to neutral outlooks and degenerate to negative thoughts.

i'm rather happy now. I just miss some people who used to be part of my life in Singapore. Rapture of music intensifies. perhaps its a means of release of my turbulent moods.

Hope it made an interesting read. Personally I feel it sounds so blue. I think I'll compose a lyrics with a jazzy-blues theme. lol. If i have time.

i wanna engross myself in the arts. I want art....

~lil CK: longing for a bigger role of arts in my life~

Cest MoiY

Xtine
Loves
Music

'I dreamt that I was composing a symphony....I had gone to my table to begin writing it down when I suddenly reflected: "If I write this part I shall let myself be carried on to write the rest. The natural tendency of my mind to expand the material is sure to make it very long...When the symphony is finished I shall be weak enough to allow my copyist to copy it out, and thus immediately incur a debt of 1,000 or 1,200 francs. Once the parts are copied I shall be harassed by the temptation to have the work performed; I shall give a concert in which, as is sure to be the case in these days, the receipts will barely cover half the expenses; I shall lose what I have not got; I shall want the necessaries of life for my poor invalid, and shall have no money for either myself or for my son's keep on board ship!"...I threw down my pen saying, "Bah! I shall have forgotten the symphony tomorrow." But the following night the obstinate symphony again presented itself...'
- Berlioz writing about a nightmare he had during the 1850s

SHE WANTSY

job >3
grand piano <3
happiness

SCREAM;TALKY

(where to get one)

EXITSY

CREDITSY

Designer: x o
Image: shinylibra94