Sunday, December 11, 2005 ' 10:04 AM Y
& your soul is all i ever wanted
Epitone of grumpiness, irritasion, dissatisfaction, anger, and disappointment in myself. Dark hour. Colour the days black!! Every single one of them!!!!!I guess you can see from the title of my post - I'm not happy. And I'm not happy with myself. I shall go totally nuts soon, but I need to sort out my crazy mind before I go mad.
I've been frustrated since Friday. Ever since my sister and I ahd another dispute over...of all things, the internet line. I'm so irritated that I can actually fight with my younger sister about this. It sounds sooooo ridiculous!!!
My side of the story. The Internet is like my lifeline. I can get very grumpy and frustrated without it. Especially, especially, when I'm doing maths. In Singapore, I'm pretty lucky, if my kai kor is on I can ask him any questions I have, and thus save myself a lot of frustration. It's usually when I'm so stumped I feel like chewing and burning the maths paper when I get help. Admittedly I want to chat and play RO online too. But .... oddly enough I want to multi task and use MSN, play RO (usually just chat if I'm multi tasking) and do maths or GP at the same time. Sound crazy?Unfortunate senarioFriday, my sister wanted the line. I happened to be getting ready to give her the line, and then came the.....maths question. I was asking for help, and it dragged on. By then, she was talking about using my laptop, she didnt want to use the PC. I agreed, after I solved the maths question. (In the meantime the people I was asking the maths question left) She demanded that I hand over the line (and probably my laptop) at a certain time. When I didn't give them to her, she started making noise in the room I share at the moment with my youngest sister. 2 irritated sisters decided we wouldn't give her the line, she was such a menace. She got mad, and PULLED OUT THE INTERNET LINE. I was.........well. I have yet to be so angry in a long time. I'm still angry.I hold long grudges when I'm angry.
At the same time, this line. WHY?!! But somehow, I don't think its just the line. There's probably something underlying this. Possibly dissatisfaction with each other? Some things are just to private to type. Nonetheless.....I don't see my role as older sister now. I ignored her all of yesterday, but cold war or no cold war, her actions are getting on my nerves. I don't even know why I let myself be bothered with all this!!!! Hm. kiasu? Don't wanna give in? pride??Frankly I am sick! sick of this! I would like to be a good older sister, but, it hasn't turned out perfectly at all. no siree ><. I want to be a good daugher. But I keep seeing myself fall short of what I define being good as. And, well, my family and friends all think I should be ssailing smoothly in Singapore. Every time they talk to me, I try to be politically correct, and I don't want to slash away their hopes in me. They all expect me to do very well, since they have the impression I've done well all my life. In examinations that is. In fact, I expect myself to do well!!!!Maybe that's why I'm so stressed. I'M NOT MEETING THE TARGETS I SET FOR MYSELF.Another thing is, my homework. I have this inability to complete it >< Housework, going out, helping my mom, addiction to the internet...all these seem to contribute. I don't focus.
Someone...help me ><Even though I really should help myself.Bottle all of this inside me, and more...and you have an emotional wreck who feels grumpy and anti social.Leave me alone in the void darkness.
