Friday, July 08, 2005 ' 12:28 AM Y
& your soul is all i ever wanted
...
Disregard the time.
I'm totally frustrated now. Well, more disappointed in myself and depressed than frustrated. Even if I am quite comparable with the rest of the people in my year, in such there is not much difference, i am NOT satisfied with my results so far!
Mid years, admittedly, I only prepped really properly for Bio. Even if conditions were such that I was in no mood at all to do anything since my friends were leaving, and all that, its difficult to even accept my Chem and Math results. I have never EVER failed 2 papers in the same exam in my ENTIRE life, much less CHEMISTRY. CHEMISTRY. And I don't fail add maths either, I just used to get C's and B's. But now??
I'M GETTING O'S!!!
The situation is dire! i'll be posting my results online once i get them all, and if this is the rate things are gonna go, its not just bye bye scholarship, bye bye singapore, its also bye bye to whatever I believe in myself! Its TERRIBLY degrading to look at results like this.
People tell me in Singapore that they get used to the feeling of failure, but its NOT the feeling I want in my life?? You expect me to be MOTIVATED by FAILURE??? I'd say I'd be more motivated by C's and B's. Do you know the feeling of being.....that FAR away from the grade you expect of yourself?? Somehow somewhere there is either something wrong with the system, or something wrong with me.
i can give encouragement and advice and help to others more easily. But I can't really give it to myself. It's not easy to encourage yourself when you are no longer confident of your own abilities. No longer enjoying what you learn. Not understanding what you must. I'm not stupid, but something here is not right. Why is it that I can survive in Malaysia, where things are harder, larger in amount and detail?? But not here? Bio questions are just as hard. I can't say the same for maths and chem, and am clueless over physics. Its either I am not used to the method here or, well, the system here is not working for me for the sciences.
Tima and time again I want to get out. My love for chem and physics is..ebbing away into the deep dark. What I really want to do, well, would seem to no longer exist in the sciences but in the arts. And....I don't know. It's just saddening.
there is probably no other way to express my disappointment in myself. And, worse still, I feel others are more disappointed in me. It's far worse than people getting angry at you.
Something needs to give if I'm gonna buck up and rouse myself. Most likely I'm gonna impose a self-grounding punishment; no more outings to orchard to walk around and have fun. Not until I get some satisfactory, improved results. Without Malay anymore, I should have a little more time to make a bigger difference.
will I? can I?
What will , what can??
I must!!
there is no other way.
